I watch the wind tremble through each blade of grass like fingers wrapped in my hair. Silence takes over as I feel the tightness in my throat left over from a deafening scream. How could you? A statement echoed one too many times.
One step forward, three back, and eighteen sidestepped. An intended right turned so very wrong. Somehow I ended up here, a broken mess. Unable to speak a word of what happened to anyone.
As I drive away, I no longer recognize the big brown eyes staring back at me. Each drop of rain somehow in sync with tears falling slowly down my cheek. Jolted back to reality with the thud of windshield wipers; I am forced to accept what I had just done.
A haunting past keeps me up at night. Nights turned weeks and eventually years. Years cemented to the past I cannot forgive. All the while wearing a porcelain smile. One more nice word spoken to me and I just might break. How can I accept love when I have knowingly betrayed the love of my life. My own tongue—a dagger gashing my entire being. Worthless. Unforgivable.
Have you been here? With the extra weight of your mistakes leaving you unfit for your calling? Welcome to being human, you are not alone anymore. Using what seems like a safety pin I am slowly chipping away at my cemented heart and hold onto a verse found in Ezekiel 36:26, “ I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you, your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.”
I encourage you, just as I am, to face your past head on. To accept it, ask for forgiveness and accept the unconditional love that only Jesus can give. To Him you are worth it, to Him, you are everything.