An open letter to the king of the universe

I walk a tightrope. Caught right in the middle of faith and fear. One misstep might prove that I don’t actually believe. I am ill equipped and untrained for this act.

Generally the ring leader of encouragement, I struggle to find the words to lift my own head. I feel a pressure to be strong when inside I am helpless and weak. 

To some, it seems like a cop out as though I am not trusting God. As if I don’t have enough faith or patience. But I do believe in Him and in His promises. I trust in His word.

I also know that things don’t always work out the way we hope. I also know that sometimes, the answer to prayers is, no. Sometimes, healing doesn’t happen. Sometimes, people are just sick. This is real life. The part that feels like an empty pit. The parts that I so desperately avoid.

As an innate optimist, I find positivity draining from my very soul. I search to refill, and wait for answers but hear only a steady drip into a tin bucket. Emptiness.

I cannot tell if you are telling me, no, or if my deepest fears are screaming loud enough to drown out your voice. I try to quiet my mind but the restless ache in my heart brings unwanted tears.

In the midst of all this, routines must be kept. I cannot stop to feel or cry or break. I have to move forward because I know that one day, you will answer me, and I don’t want to have wasted time wallowing. Help me to find strength in you. Teach me to move forward while somehow remaining vulnerable to your will.

Somehow, Lord, you know the depths of my heart. You, Lord, see my need and know my steps. Your word is a lamp unto my feet.

I will wait for and trust that you have my best in mind. I will trust you because I know that you are unfailing, unwavering and your plan is better than my own. Your ways are higher and if that means the answer is, no, I will accept this path and walk the road less traveled. I praise you and thank you because you are deserving, not because you give me what I want.

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